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Most of the time, the trait against which we are reacting in another is something within ourselves that we do not accept.
- Alan Cohen
When we react negatively to someone, often we are actually reacting to something within ourselves that we don't like. The psychologist Carl Jung once said, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." If I can highlight the defects of others, it makes mine more acceptable and maybe even makes me feel superior. Therefore, your critical comments expose more about you than the person you criticize. The secret is to catch yourself when you want to judge someone else and notice what the criticism mirrors about you. Once you've mastered this strategy, you can practice favor finding instead of fault finding and notice how much better it feels to elevate others instead of putting them down.
Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience, and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.
- Joseph Addison
There is a Chinese story of an old farmer who had an old horse for tilling his fields. One day the horse escaped into the hills, and when all the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, he replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"
Then the farmer's son broke his leg as he was attempting to tame one of the wild horses. Everyone thought this was very bad luck except the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"
Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck? Bad luck? Who knows? (deMello 1978)
You can spend the rest of your life agonizing over what happened to you in the past, or you can use experiences as opportunities to change your life and live it with quality. It's your call.
The ego is the great fault finder. It presents the most subtle and insidious arguments for casting other people out of our hearts.
- Marianne Williamson
Seeing people's faults as part of their human condition instead of representing a "bad" person can help you cope in otherwise intolerable situations. Close your eyes and imagine yourself talking with someone you have condemned, criticized or treated unkindly, someone whom you dislike, feel anger toward or resent. Look beyond bothersome habits and try to imagine a wounded child who is trying to cope with hurtful experiences. The next time you encounter this person, mentally "fess up" to your feelings, but be willing to see the person in a different light. You'll feel more peaceful and loving toward the person, the situation, and yourself.
Feeling right is a strong drug. Some people sacrifice a lot to be right. Ever hear the expression "dead right?"
- John Roger and Peter McWilliams
Always being right is a huge burden to carry — one that's impossible to maintain for long. I know from experience that once we stop blaming and start taking responsibility for our wrongdoing, our lives start to change. Furthermore, the more you practice, the easier it gets. Remind yourself that being right is a burden that you no longer want or need to carry. By letting go of the need to be right, you can diffuse tension, restore peace and feel better about yourself.
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly
- G.K. Chesterton
A balanced life requires us to be as open to laughter and humor as we are to pain and sorrow. Neuroscience confirms that laughter is good medicine. It makes us feel better and live longer. Biochemical research has shown that laughter activates the secretion of hormones that can make us happier. For example, endorphins, the body's own painkillers, help reduce physical pain. If you learn to have fun and think, your body will produce interleukins and interferons — powerful cancer-fighting chemicals.
In his first book, Headfirst, Norman Cousins (1989) declares, "Scarcely anything that enters the mind doesn't find its way into the makeup of the body." When we are overly stressed, our brains send the message through cortisol and adrenaline — stress hormones that can destroy the immune system. Under stress, epinephrine makes the heart beat fast and causes blood pressure to rise, which can lead to damaged arteries and heart attack. High stress and negative feelings such as frustration or depression also have been linked to chemical changes believed to produce certain cancerous cells. Positive thoughts and emotions, on the other hand, create body chemistry that has beneficial side effects, boosting the immune system. Laughter enhances the immune system by increasing the number of disease-fighting cells.
Dr. Bryan E. Robinson is a professor at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and also has a private practice. He is the author of more than twenty-five books on human emotions and behavior, including the best-selling Heal Your Self-Esteem. A contributor to Psychology Today, American Health, and First for Women, his column "Mindmatters" appears regularly in Your Health. After hosting the PBS documentary Overdoing It: When Work Becomes Your Life, he appeared on major television shows and radio broadcasts.
Don't Let Your Mind Stunt Your Growth is published by New Harbinger Publications in Oakland, California. For information call 1-800-748-6273 or visit the publisher's website at www.newharbinger.com.
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