Men and Grief
Grief and Men
By Carol Staudacher
Six years ago I was concluding a 3-hour interview with a couple who had survived the loss of their 17-year-old son. Tom had died in a dramatic auto accident one cold winter night on his way to a high school dance. I had been talking with his parents as part of my research for Beyond Grief: A Guide for Recovering from the Death of a Loved One.
"Please say something in your book about men and grief," the father said. "Men don't grieve the same way women do." His face conveyed the enforced patience and emotional exhaustion of one who had experienced both tragedy and isolation.
More often than not, the grief experiences of men and women are remarkably different. Why do men grieve differently from women? What are common grief-related responses of men? And how might men's grieving be facilitated to enhance the healing process?
The Successful Grief Experience
The experience of losing a loved one cannot be likened to any other life event.
Death brings obvious, profound sadness and yearning to the survivor, along with a flood of other
less obvious reactions such as loneliness, fear and despair. The feelings which well up in the
survivor are so powerful and overwhelming they could not have been anticipated before the loss;
and because of this, they could not have been planned for.
In fact there is no sequential set of well-defined emotions, conditions, reactions or responses within the lengthy grieving process. Instead, like waves at the seashore, three fluid phases overlap and swirl into one another. They are retreating, working through and resolving.
Immediately after the death of a loved one, the survivor is likely to retreat psychologically. During this period, which is one of shock, numbness and various forms of disorientation, it is unlikely that he or she will fully recognize the loss.
The next phase involves confronting, enduring and working through a wide range of grief responses. This will involve thinking about, talking about, crying about and often writing about reactions and emotions such as the following:
- Sadness or despair
- Confusion or depression
- Feeling abandoned
- Feeling powerless, out of control, helpless
- Specific and generalized fear
- Anger at God and toward self
- Guilt for being alive
- Guilt for not being good enough
- Guilt for feeling relieved
- Resolving
In this final phase, the survivor is able to begin reorganizing and restructuring his or her ongoing life. This may involve making a change in goals or direction, or investing in a new relationship. In other words, it is a time for reentering the world and becoming interested, once again, in people, activities and ideas.
Comparing the Grief Responses of Men and Women
The grief responses discussed here are those of men and women in Western culture — a category that
includes many ethnicities, occupations, ages and religions. Each individual has been shaped by traditional
expectations within his or her specific culture. For men, perhaps the most prominent and prevailing
expectation is that they must be the "strong ones" and not openly express emotion.
As a result, some men experience a shorter Working Through phase. Other men appear to go through only the Retreating and Resolving phases. Appear is the key word, because men cannot go through the third phase unless the preceding phase has been experienced. In cases where the middle phase is eliminated, the survivor is shocked by the loss, but then appears to recover without a period of Working Through. Such a recovery is not possible.
In contrast, the typical woman survivor has a more overt period of Working Through. Because a woman's grief is usually more evident, it may seem prolonged; however, the reverse is true.
The stereotypical man who represses or suppresses grief may spend a lifetime trying to get through the process. A man's grief may not show, and it may seem to take a shorter period of time. But the pressures it creates are still there, and the grief is real. So where does the grief go when it doesn't show?
There are five characteristic coping styles:
- Remaining silent
- Engaging in solitary mourning or "secret" grief
- Taking physical or legal action
- Becoming immersed in activities
- Exhibiting addictive behavior
Cultural Expectations
The fact is that the major grief responses which have been identified with men as a group do not
arise mysteriously out of nowhere. They are largely the product of cultural conditioning and psychological
reactions, and to a lesser degree, biological factors. Simply put, a man generally responds to the death
of a loved one based on the ways he is taught to behave, expected to behave, predisposed to behave and
physically capable of behaving.
A man in our society is expected to:
- Be in control, confident, assertive and courageous
- Be more concerned with thinking than feeling
- Be rational and analytical
- Be competitive and rivalrous
- Endure stress without giving up or giving in
- Express anger
- Be able to bear pain
A man is not expected to:
- Lose control over a situation or himself
- Openly cry
- Be afraid, dependent, passive or playful
- Be insecure or anxious
- Express loneliness, sadness or depression
- Express the need for love or affection
While these demanding and unrealistic expectations may make daily survival possible, they make the successful resolution of a loss very difficult and, in many cases, downright impossible.
When a survivor's grief is inhibited, delayed or absent, some aspect of his or her life is negatively affected. For example, such a survivor, regardless of gender, is more prone to have impaired immune-system response, depression, and sleep, appetite and weight disturbances, as well as an increased mortality risk. With some survivors, there also will be a tendency toward drug or alcohol dependence, antisocial behavior, delinquent activity or sexual dysfunction.
The reason for processing grief is not to weaken life, but to strengthen it. To express normal grief — that is not inhibited, delayed or distorted in some way — is to work toward a positive life. It makes healthful living possible, instead of a diminished, struggling existence.
To confront loss and begin working through the grieving process, it's important to:
- Recognize any aspects of traditional male behavior that may be detrimental to the grieving process.
- Recognize any physical or emotional debilitating conditions and seek support, counseling or medical attention.
- Acknowledge and experience the entire range of grief-related emotions.
- Communicate thoughts, concerns, feelings and conditions.
- Release tears.
Some widowers feel that they need to continue their grieving process as a way of portraying their devotion. This makes successful resolution of their loss impossible. Such a survivor becomes a participant in chronic grief, for he believes that if he stops crying, yearning, talking and thinking about his wife he will have abandoned her.
Through the healthy process of grieving, a widower can realize that his wife is cherished in memory, honoring the relationship through sharing reminiscences and moments of memorial instead of active pining. A surviving husband should not use suffering as evidence of his love, the depth of the couples' relationship or the strength of the marital bond.
Grief is a normal process that occurs during almost any normal lifetime, and during this period, a support group may be extremely beneficial. Unfortunately, many men do not form any solid, close male friendships, so friends and relatives should suggest and encourage such help. Group participation helps to break down feelings of isolation while allowing the grieving person to share powerful emotions or dark thoughts. One of the most valuable sources of support a man can have following his loved one's death is the genuine friendship and companionship of another man or other men. A survivor may have the support and comfort of women, but within that nurturing relationship, regardless of how generous and intense it is, one special and important component is missing: the acceptance of the male survivor's grief-related behavior by another man.
Each day of working through grief is a step toward the survivor's emergence from his treadmill of unhappiness and despair. While moving forward will be a challenge, if the grieving process is experienced appropriately, that challenge will be met within a meaningful life — one that holds the promise of participation, pleasure, reward and continuing love.
Carol Staudacher is an author in the field of mental health, a grief educator and lecturer. She resides in Santa Cruz, Calif. where she also is an editor and poet. Beyond Grief: A Guide For Recovering from the Death of a Loved One, is available through New Harbinger Publications Inc.
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