by Kathyrn Kvols
Though children have the ability to touch the very depths of the soul, parenting can be quite challenging, which is no news to any parent. One moment parents may experience feelings of love and joy, while the next moment is filled with frustration and, at times, despair. Since there appears to be no universal manual, most parents tend to parent the way they were parented with yelling, spanking, punishment, rewards and guilt. Frequently, we hear parents say, "Time-out doesn't work; grounding and spanking don't work. What else can we do?"
The International Network for Children and Families was founded eleven years ago to answer this question for parents and teachers. There are currently over 350 instructors in 14 countries teaching the parenting course, Redirecting Children's Behavior, which is based on the works of Dr. Alfred Adler and Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs. The mission of the organization is to create more cooperation and peace within homes and schools.
The increase in two-career families and single parents has made parenting a greater challenge. Of course, all parents want close, loving and empowering families, and most everyone agrees that families should be a source of rejuvenation, fun and encouragement. However, statistics say that this isn't happening.
The average child in America receives only 12.5 minutes per day in communication with his/her parents.
On the average, a child receives 400 negative comments compared to only 32 positive comments per day.
Society is appalled at the violence that is occurring to children and by children. Much is being said about gun control and the violence children see on TV, but not much is being done to teach better parenting skills. Children need to be taught conflict resolution, empathy and how to recognize and manage their emotions. What better people are there for these skills to be taught and modeled by than parents and teachers?
Parents need to know that a misbehaving child is trying to communicate something instead of just being bratty or bad. Assuming the worst motivation puts a negative reflection on the child and often pits parent against child in a never-ending harangue. As a result, the parent often disciplines the child in a way that causes a disconnection. Children want to belong, feel loved and valuable, but when a disconnection occurs, the child will often turn to other sources such as gangs, sex, drugs or the Internet for a feeling of belonging.
However, if parents interpret their child's misbehavior as communication, it would help them to become more understanding and thus put them in alliance with the child. The child may be telling his parent that he needs attention, feeling powerless, hurt or a number of other emotions. With this understanding, the parent can then help the child get his needs met without his misbehaving. Through this kind of discipline, the child experiences a relationship with parents that creates a connection rather than a disconnection
Here is an example of communication efforts going unheeded until wise observers got the message:
One mother was embarrassed every time she picked up her four-year-old daughter from preschool. The daughter would see her mother coming and respond by running in the opposite direction, screaming. Mom thought her daughter was being defiant and tried to control her behavior by threatening her. This only made the situation worse. Through the help of competent caregivers at the school, Mom realized that her daughter was having a hard time making the transition from school to home. After talking to her daughter, Mom and teachers decided to develop a routine when the girl was leaving school. Together, they decided that the daughter would say good-bye to the hamster, slide down the slide ONCE, and then her mother would take off the little girl's shoes before they started home.
Mom learned how to help her daughter move through transitions more easily by establishing routines, which can help children feel secure because they know what will be happening next. If mornings and bedtimes are often a source of much stress, perhaps the parents can improve the situation by incorporating scheduled routines.
Another example of miscued communication is the mother who was battling for an hour-and-a-half a night with her thirteen-year-old son about taking a bath. Through reading parenting helps and cogent counsel, she learned about how important it was to stay out of power struggles and pick her "battles" carefully. She decided her son's bath wasn't as important as getting his homework done, so she concentrated on his homework and withdrew from saying anything about his bath. Her son went for three days without bathing, and finally, on the third day, he said to his mom, "You haven't been nagging me about taking a bath."
Mom answered, "Yes, and I will never nag you about it again."
The son, baffled by his mother's response, asked, "Never, ever?"
Mom said, "Nope!" and then said nothing more about his bath. That night he took a bath and started taking over the responsibility for his own grooming.
In the previous examples, the two mothers took situations that were highly charged, emotionally reactive situations and got more harmonious results by applying a few practical parenting techniques.
Why should parents take a parenting course? Most of us wouldn't go skiing without taking a lesson, drive without taking a driver education course or run a business without going to school. Parenting is probably the most important task in a person's lifetime, yet we as a society unwittingly expect parents to be able to raise healthy children without any formal education. Parents who are more conscious about how they raise their children know that they are teaching their child skills now that he will be using for the rest of his life. They are teaching him to make effective decisions, solve conflicts, build healthy relationships, feel good about himself and much more. Taking parenting courses is making an investment that will last a lifetime for both the parent and child.
Parenting courses teach parents how to effectively deal with their child's feelings, to have productive family meetings, promote agreement instead of conflict and how to win cooperation on issues like homework and chores. Parents are taught to focus on creating situations in which no one is the loser, instead of being convinced that parents must always win every argument. When children sense that adults aren't trying to control them, nor are they too being permissive, they will likely become more respectful and cooperative. Parents can learn methods of discipline that are kind, yet firm. This balance keeps the child and the parent connected even during moments when discipline is necessary.
Parents who have taken parenting courses depend less on yelling and experience more peace as their children become more cooperative and responsible. They report less tension in the family and are able to experience the joy of parenting more fully.
The family unit is the fabric of which this country is woven. Surely, as we create more peace and harmony within families, our society will become more cooperative and experience less violence and isolation.
Kathryn Kvols is the author of the book and parenting course, Redirecting Children's Behavior. She is also the founder of the International Network for Children and Families. For more information about speaking engagements and training seminars, call 352/375-6498 or visit the website at www.redirectingbehavior.com to find information on continuing education opportunities.