I was leading a conflict-management
workshop for beleaguered nurse-supervisors and their administrator
when the administrator said, "What happens if you're just tired of
accommodating these (mostly male) doctors, being the one who always
has to bend? Then what?"
As the expert, I definitely felt on the hot seat. Fortunately, only time froze; my brain was cooking. I finally replied, "Try telling the doctor you may not be your normal cheerful self today. When he asks, 'Why not?' say, 'I hurt my back.' Then, when he inquires in a somewhat haughty manner, 'Now how did that happen?' reply humbly, 'I'm not sure, but I think I've been bending over backward for too many people lately." The nurses roared their approval.
One day, while walking "the beat" as a stress consultant at a large U.S. Postal Service processing and distribution plant, I came across a handful of folks on break at their workstation. One guy and gal in particular seemed to be playfully and seductively bantering. However, the playful give-and-take suddenly escalated in testiness and tone (if not testosterone). The guy said something the woman found offensive, and she reflexively mouthed an expletive while throwing him the proverbial finger. Now the chorus piped up: "Be careful, this is the company shrink." The male antagonist challenged me to take sides by provocatively asking, "So what do you think about what she just did?" It took a couple of seconds to regain perspective. "What do I think?" I calmly replied. "I just believe she thinks you're number one," and I kept on walking, with group laughter in the background. The moral: Sometimes everybody wins when no one is on top!
Primordial guilt...Ever feel like no matter what you do (or don't do), you somehow did the wrong thing or produced the wrong result? And if, by chance, you feel blameless, then your culpability is confirmed by someone supposedly more astute. Urrrhh. But wait ...You can go from being the guilty party to using the "guilt parry" with a "Stress Doc" guilt buster. And it even works on the mother of all guilt complexes!
Around five years ago, at the end of
an early December visit to my parents in Florida, I was intently
watching the Kennedy/Smith rape trial hearing like so many
voyeuristic others. (Isn't it nice to see constancy in human nature?)
I had a couple of hours to kill before heading home. My mother had
previously announced that she would be leaving early for a tennis
date and would not be able to go with my father and me to the
airport. Anyway, I was transfixed by the tube. While I was in this
voyeuristic state, my mother entered the room unbeknownst to me. She
must have been hovering in the background for a while, for when I
didn't acknowledge her presence, she cried out in an anguished tone,
"What! You're not going to say good-bye to your mother?" Wavering
between apology and apoplexy, I suddenly replied, "I can't...I'm
paralyzed with guilt."
A faint smile slid across her face -- a moral victory for me, at least. And the moral of the story: When it comes to guilt, don't painfully burst a gut; try playfully busting the guilt!
Did you ever notice how, when you're feeling stressed or confronted by trying conditions, you're often really receptive to humor or fits of laughter? As the groundbreaking film director and comedic genius, Charlie Chaplin observed, "A paradoxical thing is that in making comedy, the tragic is what precisely arouses the funny...We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural forces and not to go crazy." (Or, at least, not too crazy...author's preference.)
I can relate. In the summer of 1988, a tumor was discovered on one lobe of my thyroid. I put off having surgery for six weeks as I was teaching graduate school. Needless to say, this was "the summer of (my) discontent." There was only one way to determine if the tumor was benign or malignant: the old practice of cutthroat medicine. One activity that helped me prepare emotionally for the surgery and its aftermath was developing a humor seminar with a friend. We would introduce the world to "tumor humor." And with the successful removal of a benign nodule, along with my right lobe, I could light-heartedly improvise upon and whole-heartedly agree with the old proverb: "Half a lobe is better than none."
As a psychiatrist whose name escapes me noted, "What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." And, as I inverted: "What was once feared and is laughed at is no longer a master!"
Ever have to deal with a roommate,
friend or colleague who "knows it all" and is quick to point out
everyone else's errors? Usually, this individual actually feels
pretty insecure. And the extent to which the person has the answer
for everything is probably inversely proportional to his or her
self-worth. Still, there's a limit to one's patience and
understanding. When that happens, consider the following two
approaches. First, there's the memorable quote from the French
author, Andre Gide, in his book "The Immoralist." It's a quote that I
memorized years ago when dealing with an all-knowing family member:
"One must allow others to be right. It consoles them for not being
anything else." Now I'm not saying to hit your omniscient antagonist
with these words. Just hold on to Gide for your self-assurance and
sanity.
Second, with practice, you can even come to your own verbal defense. I recall an exchange with my five-year-younger brother -- a research psychologist, not a therapist. One day I was telling Larry about some difficult work I had done with a family, some family interventions that I thought were both creative and effective. Upon hearing my description, my brother piped in, "You should have said such and such to the father." I was struck by the witty but insensitive suggestion, and grimaced. Seeing my expression my brother quickly pounced, "What's the matter, you afraid the father would punch you out?" At this point, I counterpunched: "No, I have a higher standard of plagiarism!"
Mark Gorkin "The Stress Doc," ia a nationally
recognized speaker, workshop leader, author and psychohumorist on
stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building and humor. His
motto: "Have Stress? Will Travel!" Reach "The Doc" through e-mail:
StressDoc@aol.com; or his
website: www.stressdoc.com or
by phone 202/232-8662.