by Sandra J. Nigut, M.A., C.A.C., A.D.C.

I've read a lot of self-help books
And seen all the shows on TV.
So now I'm beginning to wonder
If something is wrong with me.

Sometimes I'm so restless and nervous,
A bundle of energy,
And I don't care to see any people;
It's no doubt social anxiety.

Other days I am virtually euphoric,
And all my ideas are right.
This must be bipolar disorder;
These mood swings just don't seem right.

The times that I get really angry
Are probably signs of aggression.
And this recent lack of appetite
Is certainly a low-grade depression.

I am driven to get rid of all cobwebs
Though spiders fill me with revulsion.
This could be a simple phobia
Or maybe a serious compulsion.

My appearance is very important;
I look in a mirror more than twice.
Is it low self-esteem or narcissism,
Or just an attempt to look nice?

My headache gets worse and my stomach upset
When confronted with all of this.
Maybe I have migraines and ulcers
Or is it hypochondriasis?

At least I don't have a psychosis;
My reality is definitely not split.
It~s just this is all so confusing.
But schizophrenia — I won't have it!

Certainly I have no delusions,
And I'm not hearing things that aren't there.
But I'm thinking it's not an illusion,
That I might need professional care.

I see ads for Prozac and Paxil;
I don't even know what they are,
And there's Zoloft, Buspar, Wellbutrin —
Maybe I should buy a P.D.R.

My personality is not disordered;
My attitude not paranoid.
I'll admit to being neurotic,
At least according to Freud.

There must be a simple answer;
This assessing is quite a bore.
I'll find resolution and maybe conclusion
Without that damn DSM-IV.

I heard chocolate increases serotonin;
So to get me out of these ruts.
I'm getting a huge bag of M & M's
But definitely the ones without nuts!

Sandra J. Nigut is a psychotherapist and freelance writer. She lives in Boardman, Ohio.